Zadnje novičke

[DuleKTKV]

Policaj pride v blok, kjer so se stepli.
Začne zasliševati udeleženca:
- "Kako se pišeš?"
--"Sadik Hodžić"
- "Kaj si po poklicu?"
-- "Pa nisam jas poklicu, sused je poklicu!"

[Barb]

Zakaj vegetarijanke ne kricijo, ko dozivijo orgazem?
Ker nocejo priznati, da jim lahko en kos mesa naredi tako veselje....

[marjan]

Janez gre dva dni pred poroko s prijatelji v javno hišo. Vsi tam
veselo rajajo, Janez pa si ga pri izvajanju raznih manevrov "zlomi".
Ves zaskrbljen kaj bo zdaj odide drugi dan k zdravniku na pregled, ta
pa mu reče: "Ali v gips ali pa odrezat."
Janez se seveda hitro odloči za prvo varianto.
Ko pride prva poročna noc, novopečena žena, čistokrvna devica, pravi:
"Vidis te ustnice, teh pred teboj ni se nihce poljubil, vidis te prsi,
teh pred teboj nihce se videl ni, ." itd.
Janez jo nekaj časa posluša, potem pa jo prekine in rece:
"Ti meni to govoriš ! Poglej si mojega, še original zapakiran ..."


Kako se imenuje Cigan, ki dela v knjiznici? ROMAN
Kako se imenuje Ciganka za sivalnim strojem? ROMI SCHNEIDER
Kako se imenuje Cigan s CD playerjem? CD ROM
Kako se imenuje Cigan z zlomljeno roko? GIPSI
Kako se imenuje Cigan, ki predava kemijo? B-ROM
Kako se imenuje Cigan, ki predava matematiko? ROM-B
Kako se imenuje Cigan na motorju? KA-CIGA
Kako se začne recept za cigansko torto? Najprej ukrades tri jajca...

Gresta sine zajcek pa ata zajček na sprehod. Prideta nazaj, tamali ves
poscan, fotr pa ves posran.. Pa vprasa mama zajkla kaj se jima je zgodlo..
In rece tamali:" Sem se poscal od smeha, ko si je medved s fotrom rit obrisu"

[janezu]

po nekaj pijačah se razvname debata o tem,koliko se izgubi moči z leti.pa napove 80-letnik NIČ, jaz sem močan kot pri 20-tih.kako?za hišo imamo eno skalo,ki jo pri 20-tih nisem mogel dvigniti,pa jo tut danes ne

[Akchul]

Verjamete v horoskop?
Ne? A tud, če je kaj dobrega?
Ja, jaz takrat ful verjamem.
No, kdaj ste rojeni? Drži, kar pravjo?
(p.s. : copy paste mail, zato ne odgovarjam za škratove napake )

January
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth.
Stubborn.

February
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest. And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

March
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.


April
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confidant. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.


May
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High-spirited.

June
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!!

July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

August
Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter.

September
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.


October
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.

November
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because they're one of a kind.

December
This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible... Better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music. Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.

[softi]

Aktualni slovenski seks problemi:

Socialni problem:
imaš prijateljico, imaš s čim, a nimaš sobe.

Sociološki problem:
Imaš sobo, imaš s čim, a nimaš prijateljice.

Podjetniški problem:
Imaš prijateljico, imaš sobo, imaš s čim, a nimaš časa.

Psihofizični problem:
Imaš sobo, imaš prijateljico, imaš čas, a nimaš s čim.

Parlamentarni problem:
Imaš prijateljico, imaš sobo, imaš s čim, imaš čas, a nimaš soglasja.

Filozofski problem:
Imaš prijateljico, imaš sobo, imaš čas, imaš s čim, ampak - zakaj?

Slovenski problem:
Imaš sobo, imaš čas, imaš prijateljico - ampak sta skregana.

[ROSI64]

Kot vse kaže spadam jaz med sociološke probleme.

No malo za hec.

[ROSI64]

Pa še nekaj sodobnih pregovorov:

Kako presneto res!

1. Kajenje skrajša cigareto.

2. Nekateri pijejo od veselja, drugi od zalosti, tretji pa od jutra.

3. Ne prepirajte se z bedaki. Opazovalci ne bodo videli razlike.

4. Rojstni dnevi so koristni. Več kot jih imaš, dlje živiš.

5. Nekatere napake so tako zabavne da jih je škoda narediti samo enkrat.

6. Ko se srečajo delavci, igrajo nogomet. Ko se srečajo šefi, igrajo tenis. Ko se srečajo menedžerji, igrajo golf. Poanta: Večja kot je funkcija, manjše so žogice.

7. Delo me morda ne bi pokončalo. Toda zakaj bi tvegal.

8. Vzemi si čas za prijatelja, sicer ti bo čas vzel prijatelja.

9. Nikoli ne zapusti tistega, ki ga ljubiš zaradi nekoga, ki ti je všeč.

10. Najdražja darila, najgloblji pokloni, najlepše pohvale ne odtehtajo ene same iskrene besede človeka, ki mu zaupamo - prijatelja.

11. Najboljša zaklenjena vrata so tista, ki jih lahko pustite odprta.

12. Smehljaj je najkrajša razdalja med ljudmi. Bodi vedno nasmejan, saj nikdar ne ves, kdaj se kdo zaljubil ravno v tvoj nasmeh.

13. Če se lahko smejiš, ko vse propada, to pomeni, da si že našel nekoga, ki bo za to kriv.

14. Nekateri šefi so kakor oblaki. Ko izginejo, je dan prekrasen.

15. "Dokler se moj šef obnaša tako kot da veliko zaslužim, se bom jaz obnašal tako, kot bi veliko delal."

16. Alkohol res ne reši problemov. Toda, po drugi strani jih tudi mleko ne.

Nekaj stvari pa le drži.

[marjan]

Deset crnogorskih zapovjedi

1. Čovjek se rodi umoran i živi da bi se odmaro
2. Ljubi krevet svoj ka sebe samoga
3. Odmaraj se danju da noću možeš spavat
4. Ne radi - rad ubija
5. Ako vidiš nekog đe se odmara - pomozi mu
6. Radi manje no što možeš, a ono što možeš prebaci na drugoga
7. U hladu je spas - od odmaranja još niko nije crka
8. Rad donosi bolest - ne umri mlad
9. Kad slučajno zaželiš radit, sjedi, pričekaj, viđećes, proćiće te
10. Kad vidiš đe jedu i piju - primakni se, kad vidiš đe rade - izmakni se da ne smetaš

[Fissico]

link odstranjen

Fissico, daj raje kak vic napiši.
Pegaz.

[DuleKTKV]

Na policijski postaji zazvoni telefon. Mlad policaj dvigne slusalko,
poslusa, nato pa se v joku sesuje na mizo. Kolegi ga vprasajo, kaj
je, pa pove, da mu je umrla mama. Telefon ponovno zazvoni, policaj
se oglasi, poslusa in v pade na tla. Ko pride k sebi, pove : "Nesreca
res nikoli ne pociva. Pravkar me je poklical brat, tudi njemu je
umrla mama."



Pride moz na policijsko postajo in govori, da so policaji glupi.
Policaji se zberejo okrog njega in protestirajo. Moz pravi :
"Vam bom dokazal. Kaj visi na drevesu in je okroglo in rdece?"
Policaji razmisljajo...moz pa pove:
"To je vendar cesnja."

"Daj nekaj lazjega !"

"Dobro, dve stvari visita na drevesu, sta okrogli in rdeci !".
Policaji spet razmisljajo....moz pa pove: "Dve cesnji vendar !".
"Sprasujes pretezko, daj nekaj lazjega !".

"Dobro, kaj vlece konjsko vprego ?"...
Najprej tisina....., nato policaji v en glas: "Tri cesnje !"



Policaj pade v odprt kanalizacijski jasek. S tezavo zleze ven,
pogleda jasek in pravi :"Se dobro da je bil odprt, sicer ne
vem, kako bi prisel ven..."



Mujo in Haso vlomita v hiso in odpreta trezor. Tedaj se pripelje
lastnik, zato hitro pograbita vsak eno kuverto in pobegneta vsak
na svojo stran. Po letu dni se spet srecata in se pogovarjata o
takratnem plenu.
Haso: "Kuverta je bila polna evrov, postavil sem si hiso in kupil
mercedesa!".
Mujo : "V moji kuverti pa so bile same neplacane poloznice.
"Haso : "In kako ti gre ?"
Mujo : "Pa ... placujem jih pocasi, kolikor pac lahko."



Med vojno lezita Mujo in Haso v strelskem jarku. Nenadoma pricne
Haso tuliti: "Joj, Av, snajper me je zadel v nogo, joj, joj ....".
Mujo mu pravi : "Ne deri se toliko. Vceraj je zadel Suljota v glavo,
pa ni niti pisnil !"



Pinokio je bil v puberteti in cas je bil, da izgubi nedolznost.
Toda, vsa dekleta so ga odklanjala, ker je imel prevec oglat
penis. Zato je odsel k mizarju in ga zaprosil, ce mu lahko
penis zgladi. "Na, tukaj imas smirgel papir in si zbrusi robove
kar sam, jaz imam prevec dela." Pinokio se je zahvalil in
odsel domov. Naslednji dan ga je srecal mizar in ga vprasal:
"Si zdaj ze nasel kaksno dekle?"
"Kaj mi bo dekle! Smirgel papir je zakon!"



Janezu povedo, da mu je umrla tasca. Z zida sname kriz z Jezusom
in zacne Jezusa z izvijacem jemati s kriza.
"Ja kaj pa delas?" ga vpra?ajo.
Janez pravi : "On je osvobodil mene, jaz bom pa njega."




Janez se odloci, da je treba stvari popestriti in organizira pocitnice na
Havajih. Tam jima naroci romanticno sobo in najame crnca, ki naj med
seksom maha s pahljaco - palmovo vejo. Vendar je Micka se vedno
hladna in nepomicna. On krili in vpije crncu, naj bolj maha, vendar nic
ne pomaga.
Nato se razjezi, vstane in pravi crncu : "Ajde zdaj ti nanjo, bom jaz mahal!".
Crnec res zacne natepavati Micko, Janez pa maha z vejo. Micka nenadoma
zazivi in zacne noreti kot nekoc.
Janez se jezno zadere na crnca:
"Vidis zdaj kako se maha, pizda ti materina!!"



V soli so se pri biologiji ucili o prebavi in omenili tudi tezave - drisko
ipd. Tovarisica vprasa : "No otroci, ali je kdo od vas imel drisko, ali
morda poznate koga, ki ima drisko ?". Janezek pravi : "Moj ata ma
menda drisko."
"Ja, in kako si to opazil ?"
"Niti nisn vido, sn pa cu mamo zvecer iz spalnce, ko je rekla
ateju "Ja kaj bo toti tvoj drek ze enkrat trdi ...'"





V soli se ucijo zahtevnejse izraze. Uciteljica vprasa, kaj je to 'katastrofa'.
Janezek pravi :"Katastrofa bi bila, ce bi zajec prisel v vrt in
obgrizel solato."
"Ne, Janezek, to bi bila 'skoda'. Katastrofa bi bila na primer, ce bi
strmoglavilo vladno letalo s predsednikom in vsemi clani vlade in bi
vsi umrli. Si razumel razliko ?"
Janezek : "Ja."
Cez nekaj dni pride solski inspektor kontrolirat znanje.
Vprasa : "Kdo mi lahko razlozi, kaj je 'katastrofa'?"
Janezek ponosen :"Katastrofa bi bila, ce bi strmoglavilo vladno
letalo z vsemi clani vlade in bi vsi umrli."
"Odlicno razumes pojme."
Janezek pa se doda : "Ampak ne bi pa bila to skoda. Skoda bi bila ,
ce bi zajec v vrtu obgrizel zelje."





Mujo in Fata gresta skozi temen gozd. Fata pravi :
"Mujo, strah me je da me bos posilil !"
"Ne bom, brez skrbi !"
Fata cez minuto spet :"Pa res me je strah, da me bos posilil !"
" Na bom, Fata, castna beseda."
In tako naprej se pol ure, dokler Fata ne pravi : "Pa daj Mujo,
posili me ze enkrat, da me ne bo vec strah !"



Cigo prizene malega z dvorisca umazanega kot svinja. Pravi
zeni: "Kaj bova zdaj, ga opereva ali narediva novega ?"



Janez se je vrnil s sluzbenega potovanja v Singapur.
"Zena, zaradi tebe sem placal kazen !"
"Ja, kako pa to ?"
"Ko sem na cesti gledal vse tiste dobre picke, sem pomislil, kaksno
kravo imam jaz doma, PFUJJ.., pa sem placal kazen zaradi pljuvanja
po tleh."



Smrt potrka pri Mujutu na vrata. Mujo ji odpre in vprasa:
"Tko si ti?"
Smrt: "Ja sam ti smrt, i dosla sam po tvoju dusu."
Mujo se obrne proti hodniku in se zadere:
"Fato duso, netko te trazi ..."



V gostilni vprasajo pubeci kelnarco:
KAJ TU JE VSEENO ZA KERI DNAR PIJEMO?!!!!
Kelnarca: ja seveda.
DOBRO, TE PA BOMO DANES ZA VASEGA!



Gorenjec se je nepricakovano pojavil doma in zalotil zeno v postelji
z neznancem. Potegnil je pistolo in zavpil: "Lezita eden na drugega,
da vaju bom ubil z eno kroglo!"

[dedic]

V nekem laboratoriju so delali vse možne poskuse z žabami. Pa najprej zdravi žabi rečejo:
"Skoči!"
In žaba skoči.
Nato žabi odrežejo nogo in rečejo:
"Skoči!"
A žaba se ne premakne.
Pa zapiše asistent v dnevnik:
"Če žabi odrežeš nogo postane gluha..."




Uciteljica rece v soli: "Ucenci, jutri naj vsak prinese v solo nekaj, kar se da v usta."
In vsak nekaj prinese: "Eni bonbone, drugi cokolado, tretju dudo, itd..."
Pa pride uciteljica do Janezka: "Janezek, kaj pa ti skrivas pod mizo ?"
Janezek pokaze luster.
"Ja, Janezek, od kdaj pa se daje luster v usta ?!" se zacudi uciteljica.
"Kaj, da ne. Vceraj je moj oce rekel mami zvecer v splanici: `Daj, ugasni ze ta luster, da ti ga dam v usta!'"


upam da boste uzivali

[softi]

Znaš li ti tko je Aleksandar Veliki? - pita Haso Muju.
- Ne znam!

E pa vidiš, Mujo, to ti je bio veliki vojskovođa pod kojim je palo pola
tadašnjeg poznatog svijeta!

A otkud si ti odjednom tako pametan?

E pa vidiš, Mujo, to sam ti naučio u večernjoj skoli. Svake srijede idem u
večernju školu od sedam do deset navečer.
A znaš li ti tko je Napoleon?

Ne znam!

E pa vidiš, Mujo, to ti je bio veliki vojskovođa pod kojim je palo pola
Europe, a poraz je doživio kod Waterloa, a i to sam naučio u večernjoj
školi - ponosno kaže Haso.


A znaš li ti, Haso, tko je Sejfo Hasanomerović? - sad upita Mujo.

- Nikad čuo!

E pa vidiš, Haso, to ti je tip pod kojim tvoja Fata pada svake srijede od
sedam do deset dok si ti u večernjoj skoli!


Še eden:

Mož in žena večerjata v fini restavraciji. Naenkrat se njuni mizi približa
prekrasna mladenka, da možu masten francoski poljub, mu pove, da se vidita
kasneje, in odide.
"Kdo, za vraga, je bil to?"je besna žena.
"Eh, ona je moja ljubica."
"Dovolj te imam! Hočem ločitev!"ponori ona.
"Čisto razumem, ampak rad bi te samo spomnil, da če se bova ločila, to
pomeni, da ni več nakupovalnih izletov v Pariz, ni več prezimovanja na
Barbadosu, poletij v Toskani, ni več beemveja in mercedesa v garaži. Ampak,
seveda, odločitev je tvoja."
V tistem trenutku vstopi v restavracijo družinski prijatelj v spremstvu
dolgonoge lepotice.
"Kdo je ta ženska, s katero je Francelj?"
"Njegova ljubica."
"Najina je lepša!"pribije žena.

[ZigaS]

Ide Mujo ulicom i šeta sa dva psa. Ugleda ga Haso te mu priđe i pita ga:
- A' majket' ljepi' pasa, baš imaju finu dlaku, jel ih često češljaš?
- Ma češljam samo ovog lijevog.
- A desnog?
- I njega isto češljam.
- Aha, dobro, a vidim da su ljepo građeni, sigurno treniraš s njima, aaa?
- Treniram ovog lijevog.
- A desnog?
- I njega isto treniram.

Haso popizdi:
- Šta me jebeš koji kurac, znamo se sto godina, a ti me zajebavaš,
zašto odma' ne kažeš obadva, a ne lijevi pa desni jebote!!!
- Ma izvini jarane, to je zato što je ovaj lijevi pas moj!
- A desni?
- I on isto.

Lp, ZigaS

[Vlajko]

Črni humor (bodite pozorni na rdeče obkroženo besedo).